Peter Pan

So I have an archnemesis at school. Yeah, you say, who is she? Nope. It's a guy. And not just any guy. It's Peter Pan. And... I've only spoken two sentences to him. Yep. Probably a record for me.

When the internet was young and most people only got online with AOL, a weird little man built himself a website that consisted of pictures of himself dressed as Peter Pan. This kid that hates me looks just like internet Peter Pan guy. Hopefully Mike will do me the favor of finding the website and linking it in the comments section. I can't right now because he (real Peter Pan that hates me) is directly behind me. The key thing to remember when picturing this kid is that he wears a beige knitted sweater every day and has a bowl cut that flips under like the guy from the internet.

Anyway, the first few months I was at the institute, I noticed this guy that bore a striking resemblance to the internet Peter Pan guy. I never saw him working, just flitting about talking to people in the library and the computer lab. Both of these things made me want to kill him, especially since it never seemed like he was in either of these places to do work. He would always be talking about work- completely freaking out is more accurate- but I never once saw him doing anything.

One day Hannah (a girl in my master's program) and I were reading in the little cubicles in the library when Peter Pan fluttered up to me and asked me accusingly "Where are my books??!!" I looked at him like he was crazy and said there weren't any books in the cubicle when I sat down and went back about my reading.

"Have you seen any papers?? Anything that looks like a dissertation????" Frantic, high pitched voice.

At this point the whole library is looking at us. "There was nothing here when I sat down. Maybe the library staff moved it. You should ask them." I went back to reading.

Peter Pan didn't move. He just stood there. Staring. And staring. Finally Hannah turned around and told him that I wasn't lying, that there was nothing at my cubicle when I sat down.

Apparently he didn't believe either of us because ever since then he glares daggers at me whenever we're in the same room. Last semester he got all huffy because I was typing loudly in the computer lab. This semester when I looked up because he came blowing into the computer lab with papers flying and bag dropping, he stopped and stared at me for a good thirty seconds before picking things up.

Now before you start thinking he has a crush on me, let me tell you. This is not a look of love. I know that look. Mainly from my various animal friends, but still.

This is a look of hate. As much hate as a guy in a beige sweater with flipped under hair can muster. Because I stole his papers, dammit. And I'm always in the computer lab typing.

He's always wherever I am. Always talking. Always with the beige sweater. If I didn't know my presence annoyed him so much I'd go to the downstairs computer lab, but eh. This one's better.

He gives us something to talk about, though. After class on Wednesdays most of us go out to lunch and invariably we'll start talking about his recent strange activities. When he's done something particularly noteworthy I'll tell the girls at home about him.

He's sitting behind me right now, talking to people instead of writing his very important essay. He's had two panic attacks in the past 20 minutes because "ALL OF MY WORK IS GONE! I'VE LOST IT ALL!" Some saint of a girl has told him each time, "no, it's right there."

I hope that everyone who comes to visit gets to catch a glimpse of him. As for now, I just want him to shut the hell up so I can continue reading internet crap in peace.